


Broken Bridges

by Riona



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Gen, Hallucinations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:41:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25431790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Riona/pseuds/Riona
Summary: “You think I’d let you do this on your own?”It’s Joel.It can’t be Joel.
Relationships: Ellie & Joel (The Last of Us), Ellie/Dina references
Comments: 31
Kudos: 111





	Broken Bridges

“You think I’d let you do this on your own?” Joel asks.

Ellie can’t breathe.

“Ellie?”

She’s shaking. She can’t stop.

He looks – he looks _fine_ , he looks—

“ _Ellie._ ” Low, urgent voice, hands on her shoulders, and those aren’t—

They aren’t Joel’s hands. This isn’t real.

She presses the back of her wrist against her mouth, blinking back tears. Fighting not to throw up.

It’s not Joel. It’s Jesse.

She closes her eyes.

It’s Jesse.

“Ellie, you okay?” Joel’s voice asks, and Ellie has to open her eyes again, she has to _see_ him. She has to remember what’s real.

Jesse’s here. She’s in Seattle, and Jesse is here, standing in front of her. His hands are on her shoulders, firm and steady, keeping her anchored.

He isn’t Joel. Joel’s dead.

-

She keeps it together on the way to the hospital, just about. She’s alone. She _knows_ she’s alone.

Sometimes it feels like she can see someone else travelling with her, just out of the corner of her eye. It could be anything. Could be shadows, trees. It’s normal; you catch sight of something, and for a moment you think it’s something else. It’s nothing to worry about.

But then she makes Nora talk.

The crowbar’s still in Ellie’s hand when she turns away from the body, feeling numb, legs like water, and then she sees Joel and she nearly throws up on the spot. She never wanted him to see her like this.

“We’ve gotta go, kid,” Joel says.

There’s no judgement in his voice. But he stood there, he watched her—

He’s probably done worse. But it’s got to change the way he thinks about her, right?

Fuck, did she – did she really do that?

“Ellie,” Joel says, quiet and tense. “They’re gonna come here. You get somewhere safe.”

-

“You think this is worth it?” Joel asks.

The hospital’s behind them. Ellie’s shaking so badly she can barely walk. When she looks down at herself, all she can see is Nora’s blood.

(The hospital’s behind _her_. Only one person here.)

She shouldn’t say anything. Nobody’s talking to her. So long as she knows that, she’s okay. If she starts _replying_ , that means she’s losing it.

“I’ve come this far,” she says. “You’re telling me to turn back?”

He isn’t, is he? He’s not here. She’s telling _herself_ to turn back.

She’s not a coward. She’ll see this through.

-

Ellie’s woken by a voice saying her name, and it’s so familiar that for a moment it feels normal. For a moment she’s back in Jackson, she’s fifteen again, still living in Joel’s house, and he’s knocking on her door to make sure she doesn’t miss out on breakfast.

And then she opens her eyes and sees Dina, still sleeping, and she’s in a theatre in Seattle, and Joel’s dead.

“What are you doing here?” a voice asks.

It sounds like Joel. When she turns over in the bed, it looks like Joel, standing there with his arms loosely folded.

She guesses sleeping didn’t fix whatever’s going on in her head, then. Fuck, she can’t be expected to deal with this when she’s barely woken up.

“Jesse, don’t fucking watch us sleeping,” Ellie mutters. “It’s creepy.”

Joel raises his eyebrows. “Jesse?”

Ellie leans out of the bed to grab her jacket, lying crumpled on the floor. Pulls off the loose button at the bottom; she’s been planning to stitch it back on anyway. Throws it at Joel.

She sees it hit his chest and fall, sees him flinch back slightly. But, a moment later, she hears it hit the wall behind him.

It passed straight through him. It’s not Jesse. There’s nobody there.

“You’re not real,” Ellie says. Keeping it quiet, so she won’t wake Dina. She sits up, as much as she can while keeping the blanket held over her chest; there are boundaries she’s not comfortable crossing, even if Joel’s just in her head. “Why am I seeing you?”

“Gonna need you to answer my question first,” Joel says. “What are you doing in Seattle?”

“I’m here for _you_ , you jackass.”

“You’re not gonna find me,” Joel says.

She knows that. She fucking knows that.

“Looks like I already did,” she says.

“Oh, good,” Joel says, dry. “That mean you’re gonna go home?”

Ellie shakes her head. “I have to kill Abby.”

“And then what, kiddo?” Joel asks, quietly.

_And then you’ll be back. I’ll go back to Jackson and you’ll be waiting there for me._

“I don’t know,” Ellie says. “I guess by then it’ll probably be lunchtime.”

“Ellie?” Dina asks.

Ellie jerks so sharply she nearly falls off the bed. Looks around. “Dina?”

“Who were you talking to?” Dina asks, sleepily.

Ellie looks back across the room. She’s expecting Joel to be gone.

He’s still there, still watching her. He almost looks more solid than he did when he was alive.

“Just... myself,” Ellie says. She’s still looking at Joel. “You know, making plans.”

-

Joel doesn’t fade. He doesn’t disappear. Ellie has to try to seem normal when the guy she came here to avenge is right _there_.

He’s still there when Ellie and Jesse set out to look for Tommy.

They’re looking for Tommy. Can’t leave him, right? They’re getting him home. That’s all.

Joel doesn’t look like he’s fooled.

-

“This really about Tommy?” Joel asks, as Ellie hunts through an overgrown bathroom.

She’s been trying not to talk to him around Dina and Jesse, but right now Jesse’s looking for supplies on the rest of the floor. “Yeah. I mean, it’s not like I’ll pass Abby up if I find her, but...”

She wishes he would stop looking at her like that.

“Maria asked us to bring him home, right?” Ellie asks. “That’s what I’m here to do.”

Nothing under the sink. Nothing in the medicine cabinet.

“You sure?” Joel asks.

“Why do you even need to ask, Joel?” Ellie shuts the cabinet’s door so hard the hinges break. “You’re a figment of my fucking imagination. You already know what I’m thinking, right?”

She stalks out and almost runs straight into Jesse. Jesus, she’d thought he was still down the other end of the corridor. Guy’s going to startle her into shooting him one of these days.

“Someone in there?” Jesse asks.

Ellie closes the door behind her. As if Jesse could look in and see Joel, somehow. “Just me.”

Jesse looks at her for a moment. There’s a suspense in the air that Ellie doesn’t like at all.

“It sounded like you were talking to Joel,” he says at last.

What?

“You heard his voice?” Ellie asks, urgent.

Jesse frowns slightly. “Just yours. You said his name.”

Fuck. What was she thinking? Of course Jesse couldn’t actually have heard Joel say anything. Joel’s dead. He’s not fucking real.

But just for a moment—

Just for a moment, she’d almost been able to believe it.

And now Jesse knows.

“You want to talk about it?” Jesse asks, quietly.

Ellie can’t look at his eyes. She focuses on the broken window behind him. “No.”

Jesse nods. “Okay. Let’s find Tommy.”

When he turns away, Ellie quietly opens the bathroom door again, so Joel can get out.

She knows he’d still be with her anyway. It just feels like something she has to do.

-

Ellie ends up watching Jesse go after Tommy. Without her.

It doesn’t feel good. But it’s not like she has a choice. Abby is still alive.

She can feel Joel watching her.

“Shut up,” Ellie mutters.

“Didn’t say anything,” Joel says.

“Don’t judge me. You wouldn’t let her go either.”

“I’m not judging,” Joel says. “Just want to see you get out alive.”

She’s not planning to die. But there are higher priorities here.

-

The rain is ferocious, driving. Plasters her hair to her neck and her clothes to her skin. It feels like she’s forgetting what being dry ever felt like.

It doesn’t matter. Focus. She’s at the aquarium; she just has to find a way in.

“No guarantee she’ll still be there,” Joel says.

He’s not speaking loudly. The sound of the rain should be drowning his voice out. She can hear every word.

“When I kill Abby,” Ellie says. She doesn’t want to say _if_. “What then? Do—” She hesitates. “Do you go away?”

“Hard to go away if I ain’t here,” Joel says.

“Wow,” Ellie says. “Yeah, thanks, that completely answers my question.”

“You asking ’cause you want me gone?” Joel asks.

That’s what she needs, right? Healthy grieving, a clean break, whatever. She needs to stop seeing Joel so she can move on.

Fuck moving on. If she could move on, she wouldn’t have come to Seattle.

“I’m just asking,” she says.

“Which answer means you turn around and go home?” Joel asks.

Ellie closes her eyes for a moment. Takes a deep breath. The rain is so dense and so heavy it’s like someone pressing down on her. “There isn’t one.”

Joel shrugs. She can’t see him, her eyes still closed, but she knows he’s shrugging. “I guess it doesn’t matter, then.”

She doesn’t open her eyes. It’s easier to keep them shut for this.

“I loved you,” she says. She can barely hear herself over the wind and rain, but she knows her voice is shaking. “You were a fucking father to me. I don’t think I—”

She has to stop talking; she’s going to throw up if she keeps going. _I don’t think I ever said it while you were alive._

She doesn’t think he ever used the word _love_ either. Not that kind of person, she guesses. But she knew he cared, at least. She has to hope he knew, too.

“Just,” she says. “You know. In case you disappear.”

She opens her eyes again. Sees Joel looking at her, frowning, concerned.

It’s already too late. He’s already gone.

-

When it’s over, Ellie sits in the surf and sobs.

Maybe _when it’s over_ is the wrong way to phrase it. Abby’s still breathing. It’ll never be over. But Ellie’s run out of road.

She let her go. Everything it fucking cost—

She can feel Joel’s hand on her shoulder, and that just makes it worse because it’s _not real_. She’s here on her own.

“You’re still gone,” she whispers. It hurts to talk. It hurts to do anything, really.

“You weren’t talking to me for a good while,” Joel says, like she needs reminding. “You were managing just fine without me.”

Ellie shakes her head. “You were alive. You can’t say it like that doesn’t make a difference.”

“You’ll be okay,” Joel says.

She won’t. She’s not sure she’ll even make it to sunrise. How much blood has she lost?

“So I guess I don’t get closure, right?” she asks, staring out into the mist.

“Not sure anyone really does,” Joel says.

“So... what? You just stay here?”

It’s not enough. She needs him to be real. She needs him to be _alive_. What, is she supposed to just live with him there, this constant reminder of what she’s lost?

She wasn’t able to live with Dina and JJ like that. Joel was always there. She had something _good_ going on, something genuinely good, but she was never allowed to live in that moment. She couldn’t leave him behind.

“There’s gonna be a time you’re not always thinking about me, y’know,” Joel says. “I’m not here because she’s still alive. I’m here because I’m on your mind. Won’t always be like that.”

Ellie shakes her head again, fiercely. She’ll never stop thinking about him.

“Not saying you’ll forget about me,” Joel says. “You won’t. But you’ll think about me less. You won’t keep me around all the time.”

“Bullshit,” Ellie says.

“What about Riley?” Joel asks.

What? She didn’t forget about Riley. She didn’t fucking forget.

But she hasn’t thought about Riley in a few days, and there was a time when she wouldn’t have been able to imagine that.

“That’s all I’m saying,” Joel says. She hates it when he talks like he’s reading her mind. “You’ll have other things to focus on. You’ll have other people in your life.”

“ _Who?_ ” Ellie demands. It tears up her throat. “There’s nobody left.”

“There’s people,” Joel says. “Even with the world like this, you’re not the only person left alive.”

Ellie laughs bitterly. “What, you’re telling me to meet new people? Fucking _how?_ ”

“Or the old ones,” Joel says. “Talk to Dina. Go back to Jackson. You’re still worth knowing. Not like everyone’s going to have forgotten that.”

Still worth knowing? She’s done nothing but fuck things up.

“What about if you’re wrong?” Ellie asks. “What if none of them still want to know me?”

“Then, yeah, you find new people.”

“I don’t know if I can,” Ellie says. It’s lucky enough if a stranger doesn’t try to shoot her on sight; she’s supposed to make _friends_ with them? “I mean, I could try, but it’s not like it’s easy to get to know anyone.”

Joel pauses.

“Then I guess I’m sticking with you until you manage it,” he says.

He’s not real. It shouldn’t be good to hear that.

“Thanks,” Ellie says, quietly.


End file.
